I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
