my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
