oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
