Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
