Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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