She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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