She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
