You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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