Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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