On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
