I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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