i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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