She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
