Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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