It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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