my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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