Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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