not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
