Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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