He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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