he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
