It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
