She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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