i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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