There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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