i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
