So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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