at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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