Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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