There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
