Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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