She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
