It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
