I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
