He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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