I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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