Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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