Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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