You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
