Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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