have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
