he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
