I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Drunk is not a location!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I enjoy the company of your penis
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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