I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
