I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
