omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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