I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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