You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize