Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
