Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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