3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
