Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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