I wish I only lived at night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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